Conversation Changer #21 : Singing

Note: This is an oldie that we forgot to publish. As you can tell, it was written in June. School has resumed again and Fred is getting his fair share of quintupiple advanced college level world dictator classes. We are also getting experience as presidents of congress.


Prepare: Learn the lyrics to a song that is popular and maybe even annoying. It also helps if you can't sing or have a naturally annoying singing voice.

What to do: Bored with the conversation? Just start singing.

Example:
Carlos: Can we please go to the movies? I really want to see "Pink Ponies Fly"! It's about two people who work at an amusement park and fall in love.
Fred: No.
Carlos: But it's full of romance and love and... please?
Fred: No.
Carlos: Plea-
Fred: (singing) It's Friday, Friday, gotta get down on Friday! Partying, partying-
Carlos: Um, it's Thursday.
Fred: Yeah! Fun, fun, fun, fun...
Carlos: Hey! Last Friday was the last day of school!
Fred: I know. It's sucks. I'm going to miss my quadruple advanced calculus and trigonometry statistics class.
Carlos: My favorite part of the year was...


Conclusion: Your friend will be reminded of something from the song and will talk about that. Or if the song is really annoying, they'll talk about anything to get you to stop singing.

Warning: Learning a popular/catchy/annoying song has the risks of your head exploding because it gets stuck in your head and doesn't come out.

Conversation Changer #20 : Sleep

Prepare: Either be really tired already (if you know that an awkward conversation will definitely come up) or just have good acting.

What to do: Fall asleep in the middle of the conversation.

Example: 
Jarrah: I'm so excited for this summer! Carlos, we are going to have so much fun! We can reread the encyclopedias we read last summer, except it has to be the updated version of course and of course we can annotate them too.
Carlos: Um, no thanks.
Jarrah: What? Don't mumble. We can also count the number of words in the books in the Library of Congress and then dust them and-
Carlos: (snore)
Jarrah: Carlos? Are you awake? Do you not want to talk about this?
Carlos: What? Cookies...
Jarrah: Wake up! Let's go eat some cookies!
Carlos: (slowly awakens) What? Where am I?
Jarrah: Chocolate chip or sugar cookies?

Conclusion: You've changed the conversation! And got a nap in too!

Warning: Make it realistic and don't be too tired or your friend might leave you asleep wherever you are. Falling asleep in a fountain is not pleasant. Just saying.

Conversation Changer #19: Moving

Prepare: Come up with a realistic place you could move to (unless your friend is not very bright, then any place will work). You could also actually be moving or use this when you are moving but that is definitely not a requirement. 

What to do: When you need to change the conversation, simply tell your friend you're moving.

Example: 

Alberto: Will you please tell me?

Kris: No.

Alberto: Pretty please! 

Kris: No and that's final.

Alberto: COME ON!!
Kris: NO!

Alberto: I know that you like Maria!! Come on, admit it!!

Kris: I'm moving.

Alberto: What?

Kris: To Ohio.

Alberto: NOOOOOO!! I'LL MISS YOU SOOO MUCH!!!

Kris: Just kidding.

Alberto: (sigh of relief)

Kris: I'm actually moving to China.

Conclusion: Once your friend is hit with the realization that you are "moving", they will start talking about how much they'll miss you and how nice and sweet you are.

Warning: Have a believable excuse for why you're actually not moving later when you don't end up moving. Try to sound realistic and don't use this often.

Conversation Changer #18 : Compliment

Prepare: Look up compliment in the dictionary. Practice sounding genuine. Your mom is the best person to practice complimenting because moms always know when you're lying or faking.

What to do: Distract the person by complimenting them.

Example: 
Jarrah: ...and then the clouds were dancing and purple unicorns were flying and I saw flying pigs and I was so happy eating cotton candy and then I started falling and then I woke up! Want me to tell you about my amazing dream again?
Kris: No, I think ten times is enough.
Jarrah: OK! It all started when I saw a pink lizard and started following it-
Kris: I love your shoes! They're really cool!
Jarrah: (looks down) What? Thanks! I like your shirt!
Kris: I like your socks!
Jarrah: I love complimenting people! Let's go compliment random people! Hey! You! (points at random person) Nice hair!! I really like it!
Random Person: Uh, thanks..
Kris: (whispers) Jarrah, let's go!
Jarrah: You there! I love your glasses!
Kris: (sigh)

Conclusion: Conversation changed? Check.

Warning: Sound genuine. Fakeness will just get your friend mad. Also, after they are distracted, guide the conversation elsewhere so it doesn't go back to where it was before.

Conversation Changer #17: Big Words

Prepare: Be smart. Know a lot of big words and how to use them at least somewhat correctly.

What to do: When a person is talking to you or asking you awkward questions reply with a sentence that uses a plethora  of big words. 

Example:
Jarrah: Hey, Xianna!
Xianna: Oh, hi.
Jarrah: Do you want to come with me to the annual international name convention? It lasts all day and there's this speaker, he has the world record for putting the most people to sleep at a speech and they don't offer food and it's really freezing in the building but it's still great! Well?
Xianna: The convention has the pretense of being bromidic and platitudinous and while those activities may titillate me on opaque days, this day is obviously translucent. 
Jarrah: Huh? I'm so confused. What were we talking about?
Xianna: The weather is nice today.
Jarrah: Yes, yes it is. Well, since this conversation is over, I think, I have to go. Bye!
Xianna: Bye! (sigh of relief)

Conclusion: Your friend will be so confused they will forget about the earlier conversation and maybe be scared away by your genius.

Warning: Use this only on not very smart people. Another smart person may retaliate with another round of big words and you do not, DO NOT, want to get into a big word fight. (I'm not speaking from experience of course. I would never get into one of those.)

Conversation Changer #16 : Crying

Prepare: Know how to fake cry.

What to do: When you want to change the conversation, start crying.

Example:
Carlos: I am the luckiest person alive! I won a million dollars in the lottery and now I can buy anything I want and my parents are taking me to Hawaii and....
Fred: (starts crying)
Carlos: What's wrong?
Fred: (starts crying harder) My life sucks. I got an A on my project. I was supposed to get an A+ and I didn't. (keeps crying)
Carlos: Come on, Fred, it's going to be okay. How about we talk about your favorite book now.
Fred: (stops crying) Really? Okay!

Conclusion: Your friend will feel so bad for you, they will talk about anything that will make you happy.

Warning: Your crying has to be believable or else you'll just make yourself look bad. Also, don't use this one often or else your friends will get you therapy for depression.

Conversation Changer #15: Confession

Prepare: Sometimes the truth can set you free. And sometimes it can get you out of awkward conversations!

What To Do: A sudden confession will be more than enough to distract your talker, especially if it concerns them. The juicier the better!

Example:

Jarrah: -and then we went frolicking through the flowers. She loved the ring I got her. I'm telling you, Ivanna's the girl for me...I've never met anyone like her before! She just makes me feel so complete-

Fred: Ivanna's marrying me.

Jarrah: She's just so beautiful and-what? WHY?!

Fred: You mentioned her the other day so I went to go talk to her. She's the heir to the Russian throne apparently so I asked her to marry me. It was pretty cool.

Jarrah: (in tears) WHAT! HOW COULD YOU DO THAT TO ME FRED?! I THOUGHT WE WERE FRIENDS!!

Fred: (shrugs) She comes from money and power, and besides, it's not like her husbands last long anyway. I'm doing you a favor, pal. This way, you get to stay alive and I get to be the Russian czar. Everyone wins!

Jarrah: Wow...I never thought of it that way. You're a genius, Fred.

Fred: Evil genius, Jarrah. The evil part's important.

Conclusion: You can completely turn the conversation around with this one! Just make sure you like the way it's heading, or your confession won't matter.

Warning: All right so the actual conversation didn't really go like this. Jarrah actually...threatened to murder me if I married Ivanna, so this wasn't a good thing to bring up in the middle of conversation. Make sure you confession doesn't get you killed.

New Announcement!

Dear Readers,

Due to popular demand (looking at you Carlos!) , we will be doing an advice column tidbit as well. Basically, all you have to do is post your awkward conversation problem here on this page and we'll make conversation changers especially for you! Yes, we are just that awesome.

By the way, this is in NO way due to the fact we're running our of things to write about and desperately need inspiration. Nope. Not at all.

Seriously.

Ok we're lying. Just do it. We NEED to reach 101!


Somewhat Sincerely,
Fred and Jarrah

Conversation Changer #14: The Staredown

Prepare: Practice staring at yourself in the mirror (I know that's scary for some of you...but deal with it). Try to see how long you can go without breaking eye contact. Play the Jaws theme music in the background to get into the mood.

What to do: When the conversation starts to head in a direction you don't like, begin staring at the talker with an ominous look.

Example:
Fred: So you wanna practice all the French tenses together again? And after maybe we can factor polynomials together! Doesn't that sound fun?! And maybe even do...
(cue dramatic music)
Carlos: (stares intently at Fred)
Fred: Umm...
Carlos: (nostrils flaring, doesn't break eye contact)
Fred: You feeling alright, pal?
Carlos: (Leans in closer, doesn't speak)
(Lights dim)
Fred: (eye twitches) Err... What's with the music? And why did it get so dark all of a sudden?
Carlos: (eyes get wider)
Fred: Umm...I'm just gonna go now. (laughs nervously) See you later! (runs-yes, literally runs-off).
Carlos: (gaze follows Fred as he leaves)

Conclusion: Success!! You have either a. made the talker pee their pants, b. sent them to the nurse for uncontrollable twitching, or c. disturbed them enough to give them night terrors for the next few weeks. However, it's most likely d. all of the above. And the night terrors usually last more than a couple of weeks, fyi. Just sayin'

Warning: You might not be able to blink at all, afterwards, if you do this for too long. The Jaws theme may stay stuck in your head for, well, forever. You might possibly get sued for emotional infringement too. But really, the probability of that is really low, unless of course, you're me. Or Jarrah.

Conversation Changer #13: Push Ups

Prepare: Practice your strict, scary principal yelling voice.

What to do: When you want the conversation to change yell at the person to do push ups, using your scary voice.

Example:
Jarrah: I'm so depressed! My fiance killed my pet moose. She was taking it for a walk but then I found a dead carcass in my bed. I mean, I still love her but I miss my moose and I'm sad now. The moose was going to be my best man. I didn't even have time to name it and I think I'm going to cry now and -
Fred: DROP AND GIVE ME TWENTY!!!
Jarrah: What? Twenty what?
Fred: PUSH UPS, YOU MORON!!!! AND BECAUSE OF THAT IDIOTIC COMMENT, DO SIXTY!!!!
Jarrah: What? Please no!
Fred: ONE HUNDRED!!!!! DO YOU WANT ME TO BRING OUT MY TWENTY POUND TEXTBOOKS TO PUT ON YOUR BACK TOO????
Jarrah: N-n-n-o! (drops to the floor, frantic push ups) one, two, three (panting) four...
Fred: That's more like it! And when you're done, we can discuss dictators' strategies for conquering the world and which ones are most practical and ideal.

Conclusion: After your friend is done, you can talk about whatever you choose. Your friend will most likely be so exhausted they will nod and smile to whatever you say.

Warning: Do not, I repeat, do not do this if your friend is much stronger than you. You might end up being the exhausted one doing push ups with a black eye and twenty textbooks on your back. Oh, and if your friend likes push ups, it's okay. They will just have fun doing push ups.

Google!

We're google official now! Fred googled "conversation changers" everyday and we finally showed up!! (Read the last one!)

Conversation Changer #12 : Fainting

Prepare: Practice fainting at home. You likely need a soft surface, apple juice, and two boxes of marshmallows. Preferably sugar free.

What to do: When the conversation gets unbearable, pretend to faint and "collapse" into the arms of your talkative talker.

Example:
Kris: -and then we walked and walked. Oh and we held hands and tried to pretend people weren't following us but they were so it was kind of awkward but it was still wonderful and-
Alberto: I..err..don't feel so good....(faints)

Kris: (catches friend) Alberto!! Are you okay?? What should I do? Call an ambulance? The police? Your mom?! Don't die!!
Alberto: (opens eyes slowly, stands up groggily) huh...wha-what happened? Where am I?
Kris: YOU'RE ALIVE!!
Alberto: What happened?
Kris: You fainted but now you're alive and don't scare me like that again...

Conclusion: Your friend will be so scared by your fainting and so glad that you're alive, they'll forget all about the conversation talking place beforehand.

Warning: Serious injury could occur if done wrong. For one thing, you could fall wrong and hurt yourself or erm..have your lame attempt be discovered by your friend and get hurt in entirely different ways. Make sure it's believable, or otherwise, you'll end up in the hospital both ways. You have been warned.

Sorry

Sorry we haven't been very good at posting often. We had a test in AP Bunny Care and we were studying for that but now that that's over (we will let you know how we did) we will have more time to post.

Fred and Jarrah :)

Conversation Changer #11: Engagement

Prepare: Get a ring. You don't have to but you could actually get engaged.

What to do: Start talking about your engagement.

Example:
Fred: I love prom! I can't wait to go this party! It's like prom! I'm wearing my lime green suit but I don't know which tie to wear. Should I wear the one with penguins or the one with parrots? Maybe the one with lions and tigers? Or jaguars or ele...
Jarrah: I'm engaged.
Fred: What?
Jarrah: Her name is Ivanna the Horrible. She's so nice!
Fred: Isn't she the one with eight husbands?
Jarrah: So?
Fred: At the same time? And the one with a "quick temper"?
Jarrah: Don't be jealous. Let's plan my wedding!
Fred: Let's not. I did a research project on her. Here let me read my list of one hundred reasons why no one should marry Ivanna the Horrible or Ivan the Terrible. Reason Number 1: What follows the. Reason Number 2...

Conclusion: You changed the conversation. If your friend doesn't pick it up, just start planning your wedding.

Warning: Your friend might be mad if you're not actually engaged and might tell the person you're "engaged to". This could be embarrassing/awkward/weird but you have conversation changers so it will be fine. Also, if your fake engagement buddy really likes you and the idea of getting engaged and you might actually find yourself getting married. Hopefully not.

Conversation Changer # 10: Positive Negative Positive

Prepare: This one requires a bit of psychology. Be able to say at least two good things about the talker.

What to do: You're basically going to "sandwich" your negative statement between two positive ones to lessen the impact. This one has been proven to work by experts (ok, just us, but still).

Example:

Fred: You know, today has been a horrible day for me, . First I broke my nail holding my pencil in class then-

Kris: I...er...got pushed down the stairs and trampled on in the hallway. Now I've got two broken ribs....and I found out I was adopted earlier-

Fred:Yeah yeah whatever, so as I was saying-

Kris: You know you're a very good story teller.
Fred: Gee thanks-

Kris: So can you shut up about your problems and focus on mine for once?!

Fred: Well that's-
Kris: (giggles) I knew you'd understand! YOU'RE THE BEST FRIEND EVER!
Fred: Err... (too dazed to understand what's happened.)

Conclusion: Also known as the bipolar conversation changer, this will leave the talker too confused to deal with your negative statement. Chances are, they probably have the attention span of a fly, and will only remember the last bit of that conversation. Hopefully.

Warning: If by some chance this technique doesn't work on the talker, there is a slight chance they might hunt you down with plastic sporks (or whatever they seem to be holding at the time) for offending them.

Conversation Changer #9: Get Excited

Prepare: Know what your friends or the people you talk to like. Know what they are passionate about and what gets them excited.

What to do: When they are talking about something awkward or asking you nosy questions simply ask them about what they are excited about and could talk hours about.

Example:
Jarrah: So do you like that girl? I bet you do. You're always talking to her.
Carlos: Umm, she's nice but...
Jarrah: So, you do like her?
Carlos: Well... hey did you know that the name Beatrice means, umm, bearlike?
Jarrah: You are so ignorant! That's a lie. Beatrice means bringer of joy. It is of French origin and has many different variations. I will now tell you all of them. Beatriz, Beatrix,...

Conclusion: If the person is really passionate about the new topic and loves talking about it, they'll quickly adapt to your inconspicuous change of subject and talk.

Warning: ...And talk and talk and talk and talk. You might want to have ear plugs handy if the new topic does not suit your fancy.

Conversation Changer # 8: Random Fact

Prepare: Have an encyclopedic array of useless trivial facts

What to do: In the midst of an awkward moment, randomly shout out your preferred "gem of knowledge", sidetracking the talker.

Example:
Fred: And so after I bit the zombie's head off, he spontaneously self combusted and-
Jarrah: Hey Fred?
Fred: -out of nowhere there was a bunch of confetti-I mean can you believe it? Who would've thought-
Jarrah: Did you know that if you farted consistently for six years and nine months, you could produce enough gas to create the energy of an atomic bomb?
Fred: ...
Jarrah: ...
Fred: Jarrah!
Jarrah: What?
Fred: THAT'S AWESOME! WE SHOULD TOTALLY DO THAT...HOW ABOUT NEXT WEEK?
Jarrah: ...


Conclusion: Well...you probably don't want the conversation to go the way ours did, but you get the picture. It's all about sidetracking the talker (though this example might have caused more awkward moments than it stopped)

Warning: Make sure your fun fact is, indeed, a fun fact. If it's boring, it might not work. You might want to make sure it's not awkward either, at least not for you. Also, if it's too disgusting, the person might get up and leave.

Conversation Changer #7: Excuses

Prepare: Think of a believable excuse.

What to do: When the conversation gets unbearable, use your excuse as a reason to leave.

Example:
Jarrah: Hey, do you want to hear me sing? I've been practicing all day and-
Alberto: Umm, it's okay, you don't have to...
Jarrah: Oh, come on. You know you want to hear me sing.
Alberto: (glances at wristwatch) Hey, look at the time. My mom's gonna kill me if I break curfew again. I gotta go. (gets up to leave) Bye! See you later. (leaves)
Jarrah: (sings) Byeeeeeee! (glass shatters)

Conclusion: This is great when you've tried every other possible way to change the conversation and it hasn't worked. You leave and the conversation is over.

Warning: Only use this in the case of immediate emergency (like the prospect of your ears bleeding). It's pretty lame when you use something as uncreative as this. Remember, lying is WRONG...unless you happen to be very good at it.

Conversation Changer #6: Name Meaning

Prepare: Look up the meaning of your name.

What to do: Interrupt the person talking and start talking about the meaning of your name.


Example:
Carlos: ... so I saw this movie and the main character was really cute! Did you guys see that movie?
Jarrah and Fred: Umm…
Carlos: And that other one! Didn't you think that one was really attractive?
Jarrah: Did you know that my real name is Jabari Jarman Jarrah Juma?
Carlos: Huh?
Jarrah: It means a fearless German eucalyptus tree born on a Friday.
Kris: I wish my name meant something cool like that.
Fred: My name means peaceful ruler. That means I rule you guys with an iron fist.
Kris: What about peaceful?
Fred: Huh?
Carlos: Okay then. I wonder what my name means…
Jarrah: It means Strong one. But mine’s cooler. I'm a eucalyptus tree. And I wasn’t even born on a Friday and I’m not even German! How awesome it that?!
Carlos: Cool…

Conclusion: You changed the topic! A new conversation about name meanings was started.

Warning: If you have a boring name meaning, the conversation might end really quickly. I suggest you change your name to something with a cool meaning or make one up.

Conversation Changer #5: Love Confession

Prepare: Make sure you're on joking terms with the person. Otherwise this one is not for you.

What to do: Drop the L-bomb on your friend when he/she isn't expecting it.

Example:
Fred: Come on, Carlos. We have to catch the bus. I have to get a seat!
Carlos: Wait, can you tie my shoelaces for me?
Fred: Um, I love you, man.
Carlos: Wait, what? Oh alright...I love you, too, pal.
Fred: Yay! Now let's go. I have a bus to catch.
Carlos: Okay.

Conclusion: This one is really cheesy, but hey! It's been proven to work and it can get you out of doing stuff, like tying your friend's shoelaces.

Warning: Be careful who you use it on. Otherwise the results could be hazardous. (don't say we didn't warn you)

Conversation Changer #4: Food

Prepare: You don't really need to prepare. Think of a food. Know what food is.

What to do: Ask the people for food. When they try to remember what they were talking about before, introduce a new topic.

Example:

Fred: Look! There's Kris and Maria!
Jarrah: They are so cute!
Alberto: Adorable!
Carlos: They're holding hands!
Jarrah, Alberto, Carlos: Aww!
Kris: (blushes)
Maria: Does anybody have any M&M's?
All: (look for M&M's)
Fred: I have pocket lint...
Jarrah: Maybe, yeah.
Alberto: No...
Carlos: Why?
Maria: (takes M&M's) Thanks.
Fred: Wait, what were we talking about before?
Maria: Flying pigs.
Carlos: Oh yeah! Flying pigs are pretty cool!
Jarrah: I had a flying pig once. Her name was Pakuna.
Alberto: Really? I didn't know that....
Fred: Pakuna?

Conclusion: Voila! You changed the conversation. And you got food. Two for one.

Warning: Your friends might not have food. That would be awkward. Or they might remember what they were talking about before. But that's not likely. It helps if you have chocolate.

Conversation Changer #3: Justin Bieber

Prepare: Just be able to think fast and react suddenly. The talker must know who Justin Bieber is or it won't matter.

What to do: Distract the talker by mentioning everyone's favorite (or least favorite) prepubescent pop star.

Example:
Maria: So let me tell you all about my toenail infection...
Kris: Err...
Maria: It's got pus coming out of the side and-
Kris: (points behind Maria) Hey look, Justin Bieber!
Maria: (turns around) Where?! ...I don't see him...
Kris: (laughs nervously) Yeah...about that. Erm...So have you heard his new album yet?
Maria: Yes I love it! Especially that one song about...

Conclusion: Like him or hate him, You're going to end up talking about Justin Bieber by the end of this conversation changer.

Warning: Two words. Bieber Fever. Beware for your health.

Conversation Changer #2: Fake Choking

Prepare: You must be eating food during this awkward conversation. Also have some water near you for the recovery.

What to do: Eat a bite. Pretend to choke.

Example
Carlos: Why don't you ever you hug me, Fred? Don't you like me? Huh?
Fred: (takes a bite)I...er-  (starts choking)
Carlos: Oh no! Oh no!
Jarrah: Swallow, Fred
Fred: (chokes and hacks...eventually stops) (drinks water) I'm ok. I am ok.
Carlos: Are you sure? You know, I remember once when I...

Conclusion: The talker will be so preoccupied with making sure you're ok that they'll forget all about the previous conversation. Possibly a new one involving choking hazards might start.

Warning: Risks include actually choking on your food (if you're not careful) and/or getting laughed at for your ridiculous stunt. Make sure the talker is naive enough to believe you.

Conversation Changer #1: Socks

Prepare: Wear fun/cool (preferably) knee high socks.

What to do: When you want to change the conversation, show people your socks and ask if they like them.

Example:

Carlos: Hey Fred, you should join our political, ethical, and moral discussions.

Fred: Uhh…

Carlos: You really should, I mean…

Jarrah: Hey! Look at my socks! (shows socks) Aren’t they pretty?

Fred: Yeah! Let’s talk about Jarrah’s socks. They’re amazing.

Jarrah: I know, right?

Carlos: Whatever…They are pretty cool socks though.

Conclusion: The talker might get weirded out and leave or they might love your socks, start talking about how great they are, and forget about the previous conversation.  

Warning: People might think you’re slightly bonkers. They might make fun of your socks, too. (We give advice on conversation changers, not fashion.)

Welcome!

Have you ever felt trapped in a conversation you didn't want to be a part of? Have you ever been dealt awkward questions you didn't particularly want to answer or people that made you want to push yourself down the stairs? (Don't do it!) Has all this ever made you break out in hives, start twitching uncontrollably, or experience explosive diarrhea?

Don't worry. You are not alone.

Millions of people across the globe suffer from the same problem you do and all of this is because they don't know how to change the conversation. Other websites may tell you you should have lists of previously discussed topics or enough subtlety, intelligence, or class to make sure the other person doesn't realize you're changing the conversation.

We're here to tell you: you don't need any of those things to change a conversation.

Nope. Even an idiot can do it. (We're not implying you're an idiot, of course.)

That is why we, Fred and Jarrah, are proud to present our list of
101 Conversation Changers...for Dummies.

The list will be updated frequently until we reach our goal, and each one will be tested by yours truly beforehand to make sure they're 100% foolproof.

Each CC will come with easy steps to follow and a breakdown of results, examples, and possible consequences.

We do not accept any responsibility for the results of our conversation changers. Use at your own risk.

But we'd love to hear how they go! Leave us a message!

Note: Be sure to check a couple times every week for new CCs. Update frequency depends on our homework load...